I guess I just miss you

I thought it was weird at first but later on I figured that it could be cause of what I’ve said. It could hurt her feelings. Thus, I let it go, for so many years.

Little did I know, she has found what I’ve found; other friends. Other friends replace what we were to each other. It’s good for both of us I guess. It was always a one sided relationship anyways.

Why do I always got a friend who never LISTEN to me?

———–

Friends aside, I do have a sister that really listens to me and cares about me. Even my own mother doesn’t understand me like she does. I shall not take what I have for granted and I shall not be greedy wanting for more. Truthfully, I am already thankful but like what people say, you never really appreciate what you have until it’s gone.

Listen

I actually have a lot of things to say, a lot.

Recently, there’re a lot of things going on and I felt like I never really got to say what I wanna say. But of course, you can’t say whatever you like…although, I would like to.

The thing is…nobody wants to listen. Nobody cares enough to really listen. They just….hear me, they don’t listen.

I’m worried

….again.

I’m becoming the person that I never like.

Am I heartless again?

I’m worried because most of the time, I don’t feel anything towards human being.

I do get pissed, sad, and content towards people sometimes but that is just for that moment only. After that, I don’t care anymore. I simply don’t care. I don’t care what other people make me feel and I don’t care what other people feel when I did something. I just don’t care.

And if I don’t care about those feelings, doesn’t that mean I’m heartless? selfish? cold? heartless?

*long sigh*

The last time that I was this heartless was before….yea it was before that time.

Whose fault?

When you have a broken family, you blame them for everything.

Everything.

Idk anymore

I know this post should be like this

DEAD

but I still wanna write sometimes. So, booyah!

———

This blog used to be the definition of who I am. Then, it’s the music that I listened to. And then it’s what I wear and my bag.

Now, I don’t know anymore.

I don’t care about this blog. Kpop certainly do not represent who I am. It’s been so long since I buy new clothes and I haven’t change my bag for a month.

Turning point

I think I should blog about it now. I have resigned from my previous first crappiest job. LOLL No, I’m not kidding. I’m serious. I resigned the day after I signed the contract. Why?

Cos I got better offer!!! The pay is way wayyyyy better than that one. And I don’t want to jinx it here by saying too much. So, I’m gonna keep it just that. But do know that I work at Cyberjaya. So close to MMU omg loll. What is life hahahha

Till then, wish me luck with my new job! ^^

Unlike this

So I started my first job today and you have to know that I’m not happy with my job. In fact, I despise it. It was so hard for me to decide whether or not to take the job. The thought of ditching the job lasted in my mind till the very minute before I sign the contract. But yeah, it was signed and sealed. I am stuck with the crappiest job for the next 6 months.

Why do I hate that job? First, of course because they pay me very cheap, like wth cheap. And second, I don’t do sales okay. I’m just not that kind of person. And third, I was forced by my parents and my sister too (a bit) to accept the job and again, they pay very cheap! Don’t lie to me and say that money is not the inspiration for one to wake up early in the morning to go through all the hassle just to go to work. It has always been money.

At first, I started to accept my fate. I even postpone one interview just because of that job, scared that I will get scolded for being late whatsoev. The moment I got there, I realize how much I don’t wanna be there and how much I don’t want that job. I hate everybody there though they have done nothing wrong to me. My mind started plotting a way out, whether to just ditch the place or tell them nicely. I even called Mili to get some support but in the end, it’s all up to me. Few minutes before that, familiar face walked into the room and discussed something with the people who’s gonna hire us. He’s a friend of a friend, from my batch. And there it is, my pride was hurt. I am so embarrassed to be there that I hide behind the monitor, praying that he won’t be in charge to train us.

I knew from the beginning that this is not just about money, it’s about my pride. Now I know where my ego goes. All my life, I have imagined something….not like this. I scored my degree (well, not really scored it with first class or anything but at least good enough for me) to get a good job and I think I can do better than this job. I think that this job will only hold me back. In other words, this job is not good enough for me. Yeah, I sound very proud in that sentence. And I believe accepting this job will lower down my pride and ego. Thus, here I am.

In the mean time, I can only wait for my other worth application to be accepted. *prays hard*

Oh btw, that friend of a friend is not in charge of anything related to the training and boyyyy I’m glad. lol

The answer is still NO

I guess I haven’t make myself clear on this. Twitter can be updated too fast at times, especially mine.

It’s been more than a year already. I never counted cos I never really remember the date, I can say that maybe it almost reach 2 years. And after this almost 2 years, I cannot believe he has the guts to show up again in my life. After what all that have done to me. If you’re close to me, you probably have known that I had lived in denial for almost a year and after that 1 year, I am healed, fully healed. And the last thing I need in my life is the reason, the cause for that terrible one year (Terrible doesn’t mean I cry and eat ice cream every night and be pathetic, mind you =.=) I guess this won’t be happening if I got myself a boyfriend lol. So, to you know who you are,

The answer is still NO, even after hundreds years. I might forgive you when I’m ready but now, I still can’t forgive you. Yes, even after almost 2 years. The damage you left in me was so huge that I don’t think I can take you back in my life. Letting you back in my life is like betraying myself and I cannot do that. And I know ever since I leave you, I won’t feel any regret at all cos I know I’ve tried my best. I did all I could to fix us and that was 2 years ago. It was 2 freaking years ago. And I have moved on, you should too. We are not meant for each other, we deserve someone better. I believe you will find other girl that is much better than me and much suitable for you, sooner or later. So, if you could please leave me in peace. Let me live my life. It’s obvious that we cannot be friends whatsoev. And don’t waste your time and money on me with all the texts and flowers. That won’t work, anything won’t work. Just..let me go. Till then, ttyn (talk to you never).

I’m a busy bee

I know I’ve been on a long hiatus at the mo but it’s unintentionally. I got A LOT of crap to deal with and all the due dates are in front of my eyes!

1. FYP – supposedly dah siap but Ms. added some new work *criesss* (14/4)
2. Thesis – should have done it long time ago but yeah i have 100 pages to write in less than 3 weeks (14/4)
3. Research assignment – due date is 1st April and I’m only done with 3 pages (1/4)
4. Computer Graphic assignment – due date is 21st April but we haven’t begin anything yet, not a scratch! (21/4)

I don’t even have time for gym. I know I can squeeze couple of hours for gym but with all the work, I just don’t feel like it. I am a dead meat, I know. If it isn’t a miracle, I don’t know how am I going to finish everything in time. Ya Allah, help me.

On a side note, I have only less than two months to spend time with my petom and I’m already sad.